Understanding the Loss Cycle in Divorce: Why Setbacks Are Part of Healing
- Julie Williams
- Mar 21
- 6 min read
Divorce is often described as one of life’s most painful and disorienting experiences. In fact, it is ranked as the second most traumatic life event, just behind the death of a loved one. The emotional impact of a divorce isn’t just about the end of a relationship; it’s about the loss of dreams, identity, security, and even friendships that were once shared.
Yet, despite its profound effects, many people struggle to understand their emotions during and after a divorce. Some expect grief to follow a linear path—believing they should gradually feel better over time. But then, months or even years later, they stumble upon an old wedding photo, an anniversary card, or a forgotten piece of clothing, and suddenly, they are consumed by pain once again.
This is not a backwards step—this is grief. And grief, as we know from bereavement studies, follows a cycle.
The Five Stages of the Loss Cycle in Divorce
Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the concept of the five stages of grief, which originally applied to terminal illness and bereavement. Over time, psychologists have recognized that these stages also apply to other forms of loss—including divorce.
Understanding these stages can help you make sense of your emotional ups and downs, reassuring you that what you feel is normal and part of the healing process.
Here are the five stages, explained in the context of divorce:
1. Denial: "This Isn’t Really Happening"
Denial is the brain’s defense mechanism against overwhelming pain. At this stage, many people struggle to accept that their marriage is truly over. Some might continue acting as if nothing has changed, holding on to hope that their spouse will return or that the relationship will somehow be repaired.
Signs of denial:
✅ Avoiding conversations about the divorce
✅ Refusing to move forward with legal proceedings
✅ Holding onto sentimental objects or habits from the marriage
✅ Telling yourself it’s just a “phase” and things will go back to normal
2. Anger: "How Could They Do This to Me?"
As reality starts to set in, so does anger. This stage is often filled with resentment, frustration, and blame—either towards your ex, yourself, or even the world. It’s common to replay events in your head, looking for someone to blame. You might feel angry at your ex for breaking their vows, at yourself for “failing” the marriage, or at friends and family who you feel didn’t support you enough.
Signs of anger:
✅ Frequent feelings of resentment towards your ex
✅ Overanalyzing every past argument
✅ Feeling bitter when seeing happy couples
✅ Struggling to control frustration in daily life
3. Bargaining: "Maybe If I Had Tried Harder…"
Bargaining is a desperate attempt to rewrite the past or avoid pain. Many people in this stage go through a mental checklist of everything they could have done differently—wishing they had been more patient, more loving, or better at communicating. Some people may even reach out to their ex, offering to change or make compromises in the hopes of reconciliation. Others turn to spirituality or fate, making promises like, “If I become a better person, maybe the universe will bring them back to me.”
Signs of bargaining:
✅ Thinking, “If only I had done X, we’d still be together”
✅ Wanting to reconnect with your ex in hopes of fixing things
✅ Trying to negotiate terms that keep you emotionally tied
✅ Believing that self-improvement might change the past
4. Depression: "This Pain Is Never Going Away"
When bargaining no longer works, the full weight of loss settles in. This is often the hardest stage because it is filled with sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. Many people find themselves withdrawing from social activities, struggling to find joy, or feeling emotionally drained.
This stage can be especially difficult because divorce doesn’t just represent the loss of a spouse—it often includes the loss of a shared home, financial stability, mutual friends, and even a sense of identity.
Signs of depression:
✅ Lack of motivation or energy
✅ Avoiding social interactions
✅ Feeling lost, numb, or empty
✅ Struggling with sleep or appetite changes
5. Acceptance: "It Happened, But I Can Move Forward"
Acceptance is not about forgetting your past or feeling happy all the time—it’s about finding peace with what happened. In this stage, you begin to see the possibility of a future beyond the pain. You might still have sad moments, but they no longer define your life. You begin to rebuild your identity, create new goals, and explore life outside of the relationship.
Signs of acceptance:
✅ Feeling hopeful about the future
✅ Focusing on personal growth
✅ Creating new routines and goals
✅ Letting go of resentment and blame
Why Setbacks Are Part of the Process
Many people believe that once they reach acceptance, the pain will go away. But grief doesn’t work that way. It moves in cycles, and sometimes, a single trigger—a song, a scent, an old photograph—can bring back intense emotions.
This does not mean you’re “going backwards.” It simply means you’re still healing.
💡 Reassure yourself: “I’ve felt this pain before, and I made it through. I can do it again.”
💡 Practice self-compassion: Would you judge a grieving friend for having a difficult day? Offer yourself the same kindness.
How to Navigate the Emotional Rollercoaster
While grief is unavoidable, there are ways to move through it with awareness and self-care.
Here are three strategies to help:
1. Identify Where You Are on the Cycle
Recognizing which stage you’re in can bring clarity. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself:
Am I avoiding my emotions? (Denial)
Am I holding onto resentment? (Anger)
Am I dwelling on “what ifs”? (Bargaining)
Am I feeling emotionally drained? (Depression)
Am I starting to rebuild? (Acceptance)
Understanding your stage helps you take the next step in healing.
2. Create a Coping Strategy for Setbacks
When emotions resurface, have a plan:
✔ If you’re in denial – Do 1 small thing to move forward (move your furniture around or make a list of the things you can now do).
✔ If you’re angry – Write your feelings down or engage in physical activity.
✔ If you’re bargaining – Remind yourself why the relationship ended.
✔ If you’re depressed – Reach out to a trusted friend or professional.
✔ If you’re feeling acceptance – Celebrate small wins and set new goals.
3. Seek Support When You Need It
Divorce is too big to handle alone. Whether through therapy, coaching, or support groups, finding a safe space to express your emotions can be transformative.
How Divorce Coaching Can Help You
Divorce coaching provides a compassionate, structured approach to navigating not just the loss cycle, but the entire divorce journey. The emotional upheaval of divorce can make it hard to see a way forward, and that’s where coaching can make a real difference. A divorce coach offers a safe space to process your emotions, understand the stages of loss, and develop strategies to regain control over your life.
A coach supports you in rebuilding confidence, setting new goals, and redefining your identity post-divorce. Whether you need practical guidance on co-parenting, financial adjustments, or a safe, non-judgmental space to work through the complex emotions of separation. Divorce coaching ensures you don’t have to go through this alone, as together, you will work through your grief and start shaping a future that feels hopeful again.
As your coach, I could help you:
✔ Identify where you are in the loss cycle so you can process your emotions in a healthy way.
✔ Develop coping strategies to manage triggers and setbacks effectively.
✔ Reframe your thoughts and build resilience so you can shift from pain to empowerment.
✔ Set realistic goals for rebuilding your life, helping you move forward at your own pace.
✔ Gain emotional clarity—whether you’re stuck in anger, bargaining, or depression, I can help untangle your feelings so you don’t stay trapped in a painful loop.
If you’re ready to take that first step toward healing, book a free discovery call today. Let’s explore how I can support you in creating a new beginning beyond the pain of divorce. I'm here to help. You are not alone.
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