Navigating the Summer Holidays: Coping Strategies When Your Children are with Your Ex

How can "Parallel Parenting" with your ex during the summer holidays benefit your children's well-being? Why is self-care so important for parents while their children are away?

Summer holidays can bring a mix of emotions for parents who are navigating the complexities of co-parenting. For many, it's a time when children spend extended periods with their ex-partner, which can stir up feelings of separation and adjustment. However, by putting the children’s needs first and prioritizing yourself while they are away, it is possible to successfully navigate the holidays.

Effective, amicable communication with your ex-partner can play a crucial role in maintaining stability and emotional well-being for your children. Our children learn by our example, and demonstrating that they still have 2 parents who love them and can put their needs first, will ensure that they can enjoy their time with the other parent free of worry. Take Lisa, for example, whose son Alex spends the summer months alternating between her and her ex-husband's homes. Lisa knows that when Alex is with his father, he is allowed to stay up later than he would with her, she also knows that he is allowed more sweets than he would normally have. Lisa and her ex husband used to argue constantly over this, and it seemed that the more Lisa complained, the later Alex seemed to stay up and the more sugar he consumed!  Alex was becoming a pawn between them and his welfare was being compromised in the pursuit of a childish game between the adults.  In our coaching sessions we worked on helping Lisa to see her situation as “parallel parenting” rather than "co parenting”…Essentially what this means is that Lisa learned to choose her battles, and accept that she can’t control what happens when Alex is with his father.  Lisa helped Alex understand that there are different rules in Dad’s house to when he is at home, and by choosing her battles and letting the small things go, Lisa and her ex husband have less tension between them. This allows for better communication and cooperation over more important issues such as ensuring that Alex can still attend his planned summer activities regardless of which parent he is with. This makes Alex feel secure and Lisa is reassured that his father will take responsibility for taking him to his activities while he is with him. Knowing that both parents are on the same page helps alleviate any anxiety Alex might have about the transitions between households.

Now we know it’s not always as easy as this, but the concept of parallel parenting is a great tool to reduce conflict between parents and ensure that the best interests of the child are at the centre of all communication.

And what will YOU do while your children are away for the summer?

The anticipation of being without your kids can be heart-wrenching and often fills you with dread weeks before it happens. It's a time that can be filled with a mix of emotions – from loneliness and sadness to anxiety and even resentment.  I remember spoiling the last few precious days with my children before they went away because I was consumed by negative emotions around the whole event.  I was resentful that my ex husband was able to afford extravagant, exciting, activities for the children when I could barely afford to put food on the table, and the sense of loss once they had gone was debilitating.  Although all these emotions are understandable and normal, it’s important that we put strategies in place to drag ourselves out of the dark place as soon as possible, or even better avoid going there all together! Embracing self-care during these times is not just beneficial but essential for maintaining your emotional and mental well-being.

I have a client David, who feels very similar emotions to the ones I experienced.  As the weeks approach when his children will be with their mother, he begins to feel a sense of emptiness. The house that once bustled with laughter and activity feels starkly quiet. I have worked with David to help him understand the importance of using this time to focus on himself, and although it's not always easy, he now deliberately plans activities that he loves but rarely finds time for during the busy school year. Whether it's hiking in the mountains, indulging in a good book, or embarking on a solo trip to a new city, David replaces the void left by his children with pursuits that help him find joy and rejuvenation. He plans the activities before his children even leave while he feels motivated to make the arrangements, and it also helps the children feel happier knowing that their father is busy enjoying himself also. David’s planned activities give him purpose, provide a sense of accomplishment and refresh his spirit, allowing him to return to his children with renewed energy and positivity.

Maria's experience is somewhat different but equally challenging. The absence of her children often brings a profound sense of loneliness. The silence can be deafening, and the emptiness of the house can amplify feelings of sadness. Maria is a very sociable person and is not a huge fan of her own company, so she combats this by reaching out to her social network. She arranges regular outings with friends and family, understanding that human connection is vital for her sense of wellbeing. Whether it's a casual coffee date, a dinner party, or a weekend getaway with close friends, these moments of connection help Maria feel supported and less isolated.

In addition to social engagements, we also explored activities which would empower Maria to manage her loneliness from within allowing her to tap into instant relief when she needed it. She now dedicates time to mindfulness practices and finds solace in yoga and meditation, which help her stay centered and calm. These practices are not just about physical well-being but are crucial for emotional balance. They provide her with the tools to process her feelings, reducing anxiety and fostering a sense of peace and acceptance.

For both David and Maria, effective communication with their ex-partners is another key component. Ensuring that there is a clear and respectful dialogue about the children's schedules and needs helps reduce misunderstandings and conflicts. This cooperative approach not only benefits the children but also alleviates some of the stress and tension that can arise during these times.

There is no denying that navigating the summer holidays while your children are with your ex-partner requires a blend of practical strategies and emotional resilience. By embracing self-care, engaging in activities that bring joy, nurturing social connections, and practicing mindfulness, parents can turn this challenging period into an opportunity for personal growth and rejuvenation. Remember, it's okay to feel a range of emotions, and taking care of yourself is not only beneficial for you but ultimately for your children as well.